Be Still My Heart
by Sagarmatha
Summary: Azazeal dwells on Cassie's rejection after she shakes the possession and gets a pep talk. Sort of a budding prequel to Someone turn me 'round.
1. Chapter 1

Azazeal walked briskly into the unconsecrated church he called home, his heels clicking on the hardwood floor, and strode down the length of the room from the entrance rather than using the back entrance. He did this when he was irritated, adding to his own annoyance by taking a longer route, and subconsciously, although he didn't realize this, approaching what would have been his Master's sacred alter like a common supplicant. He would have denied it but when he was feeling lost his thoughts turned towards his former existence as an angel, a servant of the Most High.

Azazeal went directly to the kitchen and angrily grabbed a bottle of wine, wrenched off the stopper and poured a ridiculously large glass for himself, even though it was nine in the morning. He stood there for a moment before taking a large drink and making a face at the unpleasant feeling of gulping wine.

"I'm a fool," he said aloud to himself with more exasperation than he would have shown to one who served him. They would have been very interested to know that he was harder on himself than he was on them.

"You don't have to convince me," a voice rumbled out of nowhere.

Azazeal's whole body tensed and he nearly shattered the wine glass in his hand. He forced himself to wait until he could turn around slowly rather than whipping around in agitation. It always amazed him how hard it was not to respond in haste to the voice of one above you even when the ranks among them were fluid at best since the fall.

Turning as casually as he could, Azazeal responded, "I didn't know you would be stopping by."

"Yeeees, well I drop in, you know, it's what I do best, leaving trouble in my wake and such, but really, boy, have you lost all of your sense?"

He knew, of course, he knew everything. How, none of them knew, but as insane as he was, he just knew.

Azazeal had just spend his night, his entire night, staring at that stupid school or more precisely at that specific window behind which Cassie slept. He had been, pitifully, in tears because this woman, no this girl, had told him she never wanted to see him again…and she was pregnant with his child. And all that night, the thought never occurred to him that his original intention had been to produce the being that would bring about the End of Days. That was what Lucifer was here to remind him of.

"I…"

"You know when I chose you for this mission, it was your…charm that I wanted to make use of, not your weakness for the female human. You're supposed to seduce her, remember."

"Yes, I…"

"Now focus on the job at hand, deary, or you will pay and as much as I adore torture, I'd rather be fighting heaven."

Lucifer turned to go and then Azazeal, quite against his better judgment blurted out, "She's different, you know, she makes the pain go…away."

Lucifer whirled around in a sudden fury and Azazeal did not bother to be surprised. You didn't say such things to the Ruler of Hell, even if he was crazy and completely delusional.

"She what?" he said, too calmly.

"She…We made love and the pain…the pain of His absence left me for…"

"Ah, for how long, hm, how long did the pleasures of the flesh keep you from feeling the agony this time? Hm? You are a fool! Maybe it's time to pick a new angel for this mission, one who doesn't fall in love every time we're getting some where."

"I don't…"

"Every time, Azazeal, every time! Admittedly, you're well and truly smitten this time, like with that Egyptian chick, but you never fail to get attached. It's your nature, I understand, but really, are you so lead by your heart that you can't complete a simple mission?" Lucifer said smoothly and yet his words were dripping with condescension

This jabbed at Azazeal's sense of duty, he was a being that had been meant to perform functions among the mortals. He had been given the ability to foster trust for a reason. He retorted angrily, "This is my mission and I will complete it! Why should it matter what I feel?"

Lucifer paused for a moment to consider this.

"Feel what you want, but remember what it is that we're trying to free ourselves from. Remember the pain. It's there, throbbing inside of you like it is in me. In the deepest dark of your soul…you're screaming in anguish and she would never be able to silence you despite what you think you feel in her presence."

Azazeal started a little.

"Oh, yes, I know what flights of fancy you've thought of but you can't have her, because in the end you will make her skin crawl. In the end, you will destroy her mind and hate yourself even more."

"She is different. What if this time…?"

"Why do you never listen…none of you ever LISTEN! I repeat myself over and over and over…"

"They are not as weak as you think. I've spent a lot of time with them…"

"These humans are not the answer, they have never been the answer. They are nothing but another torment. We're fascinated, even me, though I'd have to say that I spend my time amongst them more productively that you, but they are nothing. Insignificant. A means to an end. Fill yourself with hate, with vengeance, forget all that absurd divine programming and destroy this little experiment of His."

"It's not that easy," Azazeal spat out.

And he was right. Unfortunately, there were rules, things the Fallen could not do. When a strong enough witch was found to bear the bringer of the apocalypse, none of the fallen were capable of raping her. She had to be seduced and talked into it, which is where Azazeal came in. Even the Satan himself, who courted violence like a lover, had never taken a women, or a man, against their will…against their better judgment, yes, but not, technically against their will. They couldn't kill at random either, though they, Lucifer in particular, could cause mortals to rage against each other, there were only certain circumstances in which they could extinguish a life.

"No," Lucifer answered him, "It is not easy, it has never been easy, but I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

His vengeance, Azazeal thought to himself, not theirs but his.

"She will give in eventually, they always do. You chose me for my talents now let me use them. You know I can't force her, perhaps my feelings will convince her to help us. And perhaps I will not destroy her."

Disconcertingly Lucifer smiled gently like a father, "It hurts me to see you this way. I understand, I know the pull that your old angelic purpose has on you but, she will not accept you. Why do you continue to torture yourself with the dream that love will save you? Leave it behind, Azazeal, leave it all behind and turn towards evil and everything that is the opposite of Him."

It was simple for Lucifer to say that he should forget his old purpose, abandon his love of humans, but it was not that easy. Hadn't he, hadn't all of them been created to do His Will. Isn't that where the pain came from, the absence of his Will pressing on their consciousness, the gaping void in their hearts where His Love used to reside in all of its warmth and comforting strength?

"Have this woman if you want, but you must control her. She is not something to love, but a thing to be used and despised."

Despising God's creations did not exactly come instinctively to them but the pain did wear on them and then Lucifer, beautiful, insane, and strangely convincing would whisper in their ears and all Hell would break loose. He was not the most devious really or the most cunning, but he was the most distraught. You could see it in his eyes, even when he was giving his most inspired speech to the demonic legions, Lucifer was in torment, a private Hell all his own, because his love, his adoration, his worship of the divine had been beyond their capacity and now there was nothing but a cold and empty whole that His brightness used to fill to overflowing.

"Our pain will only cease with his His destruction or ours, Azazeal, and we must not let him decide which."

What was sad was that Lucifer was the only one that didn't know that he was delusional. He was the only one that didn't break into tears after having gone on an evil rampage through the mortal realm to distract himself from the pain. The only one who didn't sometimes beg that emptiness in themselves for forgiveness as if some spark of God remained there, waiting for the correct words to be said to take them home. The only one who refused to offer any apology for his behavior. Lucifer threw himself into this existence, wallowed in the pain and acted out in misery induced malevolence because his Master had put him here…and even he could not keep himself from, in his way, embracing this punishment and increasing his own pain to acknowledge his submission to it. This was his nature, his inescapable programming, to accept God's judgment that he was anathema and execute it to the fullest.

"I will not fail you," Azazeal said finally and more enthusiastically he had expected. Lucifer had been the one used to call them all to worship, always being the loudest voice and the most devoted. Now he called them all to corruption and cruelty with the same ardor and they listened because they had always listened.

"Good, very good!"

* * *

_Please review! And by the way why does now one ever review La Petite Mort? I re-read it last night and I must have been horney when I wrote that...geez!_


	2. Chapter 2

Azazeal stood with an eerie stillness as he looked down at Cassie as she slept. He'd been there for nearly an hour but it only seemed to him like a few moments. Time did not act the same way for eternal beings, particularly when they are contemplating the mysteries of existence…and what tea to brew. Finally settling on ginger tea, he went about quietly performing his task.

With renewed purpose and a hopeful heart, Azazeal had come to see how Cassie was handling her situation, for by now she would know what had happened to her, and to gauge what it would take to ensure her cooperation. She had looked so peaceful and so beautiful that he had just stood there remembering all of the reasons why he loved women so much. He loved that they were soft but not easily broken, that they were impulsive yet practical, and that they were easy distracted by pleasure but hard to fool with lies. He'd never met a woman that hadn't had something about her that made him smile and now he'd found one that made his heart feel the inkling of an emotion he had long forgotten. He wasn't the least bit surprised because no matter what Lucifer said, there was something special about this girl.

Azazeal gently put the cup down on the side table and then moved to arrange himself on the edge of the bed next to her. She woke and he prattled on about baby strollers and names, bravely trying to ignore her hostility but when she said "a constant reminder of you" with that look of disgust on her face, all he would think of was Lucifer saying that he would make her skin crawl. His face and attitude changed in an instant and then he felt the rage again that had been his constant companion for ages.

He couldn't see in his besotted state that she still thought of him as the demon who had killed her friend and had been using intimidation to get what he wanted. He had come here so determined win her over and so convinced she would be able to recognize his feelings that he failed to see how his actions could have been seen as another attempt at manipulation. The term blinded by love took on a whole new meaning when it applied to a fallen angel trying to woo a girl in earnest.

He left her then and in order to keep close (and punish her in a way) he seduced one of her teachers. He had known that she would find him in her teachers room that morning, he had planned it, but he had also planned for it to work and for her to turn slightly towards him in her jealousy. Unfortunately, what had worked with most other women did not work with his determined Cassie and he would have been much better off trying to win her over with kindness, but he did not have the time.

"I certainly hope you have a plan B," Lucifer growled from above as Azazael, distracted by his thoughts, walked slowly out of the hospital after visiting Cassie yet again to plead his case. Cassie had been conflicted but she had been adamant. She was going through with this abortion, but all he could think of was that he had felt his child move inside her.

"Of course I do!" Azazeal snapped.

"Touchy, touchy! I'm just here to help," Lucifer said with a nasty smile that gave Azazeal a clear idea of what Lucifer meant by help.

"I can handle it…"

"Take the child, Azazeal," Lucifer said commandingly, "It's yours, take it. She is a vessel and one that takes delight in snubbing you, as I'm sure you've noticed."

Azazeal went quiet. Her rejections were making it harder not to proceed heartlessly and take what he wanted but he still desired her love.

"Dear boy," Lucifer spoke gently now like an old, caring friend, which he was in a twisted way, and jumped down from the wall he had been standing on to be next to Azazeal, "We love you, we need you, we are all waiting on pins and needles for you to succeed and when you do, you will forget all about this little distraction, hmm."

Azazeal could not help but be swayed by these words and his tone. Each of them were starved for love and attention and if Azazeal became their savior, he would have love of the all fallen, not just his faithful group.

Azazeal nodded, corrupted a doctor, and had the baby ripped from Cassie's body in a way that she had not intended.

To Lucifer's dismay, stubborn Azazeal refused to leave that insignificant town with the boy and when he saw Cassie again, he found that his heart had not changed. She was still not receptive to his advances and she received a confused mix of pleasantness and arrogance from him which in a mortal might have come off as the nervousness of a man trying to win a woman's affection but in him came out all wrong. In the end however he got her to his bed and the things he said to her as they made love were genuine, but she had no way of knowing that this could be possible. She stole the child back but ultimately ended up saving him not only because he was an innocent child but because there was part of her, a small part, that believed that Azazeal might be dissuaded from his plan.

Once Cassie had returned to Azazeal, it didn't take long for Lucifer to drop by and check in, less than 24 hours in fact, and he then proceed to become a nuisance when Azazeal refused to let him meet Cassie.

"That's cute," Lucifer said with a terrifying chuckle, "You want to protect her but you forget that I don't need your permission to do anything. In fact, maybe I'll just introduce myself, hmmm. She may even like me better."

Azazeal glared at him in barely constrained rage which pleased Lucifer who loved to see people on the verge of wild violence.

He continued in a smooth imitation of the tone that Azazeal used so effectively on mortals.

"I can be you, you know, I can be any of you, with your special talents and your adorable little angelic quirks. Not quite as good, but she won't notice. Oh, maybe I'll play the wounded angel, tell her our story, get her sympathy. Have you tried that, deary? I think maybe I will."

"You will not make yourself known to her! You could ruin everything!"

Lucifer laughed hysterically, "Ah, it does amuse me so when you get all indignant! But don't worry, I will protect your Cassie while you focus on your job, but I can't promise that there won't be any hanky-panky, I mean, she is quite attractive…"

Azazeal flew at him, but it was no use. You couldn't catch him if he didn't want to be caught and if he didn't need anything from you, he would never let you.

Lucifer had made his subtle move. He had let Azazeal know that he suspected an impending betrayal and he had figurativly taken his hostage. Azazeal had to act fast now and when Cassie came home that afternoon from school, he had vented a little of his frustration on her but had gotten her to agree to stay home with Malachi…where he thought he could protect her.

_I've got a bit more of the story of people want…Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Slightly updated at the end in the section about Elizabeth and Lucifer, if anyone cares. Thanks for reading_!

* * *

Lucifer had wasted no time in ingratiating himself to Cassie, who quite innocently, believed his wounded angel act. She had no useful information about Azazeal's plans but he thought she might be swayed to give him the boy if need be. Of course, he greatly under estimated Cassie in this assumption.

Azazeal, predictably, was livid when he learned that Lucifer visited Cassie but there was nothing he could do about it but stick with his decision to fight Lucifer and keep Malachi and Cassie away from him as long as he could.

The night that the battle began was sooner than Lucifer had intended it to be. He had slipped in to Azazeal's church for a peek and then had been amused to find them making love. The smirk quickly left his face when the rapture of adoration overtook Azazeal for the first time. Rage spread through Lucifer's being as Azazeal shook with angelic pleasure.

How dare he? How dare he be the one to experience this? How dare he feel this way about a puny mortal woman while they all rot in Hell?

Lucifer sent a flash of mental orders to his minions to prepare for battle as he struggled to calm his fury. It would not do to simply kill the woman now, Azazeal would pine and then where would they all be. No, he must break Azazeal, it was the only way, especially because Lucifer wanted to thrash every last memory of this ecstasy from Azazeal's being.

It wasn't hard for Lucifer to find Azazeal or to defeat him and get him firmly bound for the lash. He was the most powerful of all of the fallen after all, but it shook him when Cassie came to save Azazeal, even though she had no hope of actually succeeding and that boy of theirs knew too much for his own good. Out of curiosity mostly but also out of some small amount of actual regret, Lucifer agreed to delay his revenge against God and Azazeal in exchange for Malachi's help.

As it turned out, Azazeal had almost been broken but not in the way Lucifer had thought to accomplish it. Something about protecting Cassie and his boy in such an extreme manner brought him a few days of clarity and he actually asked her to accept him and love him but the story of their love did not end there, as relationships with angels are much more complicated than mortal ones.

Eventually, Lucifer decided for himself that he needed his equivalent of Cassie, having determined that stealing her wouldn't do it, and in a nonchalant way, went in search of a woman that Cassie had gotten the angel of secrets to tell her about. He found her, he courted her, and was then promptly rejected when he told her what he was. To his credit he did not give up and perhaps it was seeing Azazeal's determination that kept him going, trying to get her to accept him, until finally she agreed meet with Cassie to get the full story.

It was in talking to Cassie that Elizabeth discovered what it was she thought Lucifer was looking for: a woman (a person really but female was preferable) to love him, to take some control of his life, who took an interest in what he did, and maybe that person could eventually steer him away from evil. The prospect was intriguing and too good for her to pass up. So she gave him what she thought he wanted, a chance to do something for her but she wanted it to be difficult, to be humbling, so that he would know that she did not think this was a game. Of course what he was looking really for was much deeper than anything she had expected.

The kiss of the lash against his bare skin thrilled him and sent a sweet stinging sensation rippling thorough his body. In the few seconds before the next strike his body relaxed and Lucifer thought to himself, "Yes, this what I have wanted all this time."

All of his existence since the fall had been spent seeking a way to feel something, anything, other than the lack of His presence but he felt in a way that did not naturally exist among the mortals. Elizabeth had just found a way, quite accidentally, to give it to him.

He had experimented with sensation before but found it boring except that it drove humans wild and made them to wonderfully horrible things. To him it had always felt like scratching your elbow or stubbing your toe, more irritating and bothersome than anything else, but Elizabeth had managed to add another level to it. When they had made love there had been not just pleasure but yearning and laughter, tenderness and aching. And now, when he did this thing for her, when he let Azazeal take a whip to his body, it was like a slap in the face by a disappointed lover. There was shame and there was regret, but also, most importantly, there was a magnificent sense of Elizabeth saying, "You are mine and this is what I want you to feel."

It was then that Lucifer began to transfer the complete devotion that was his love over to Elizabeth because he could not help but respond to this statement with an attempt at the surrender he'd been aching to give for a very, very long time. It was never humiliation or abuse that he wanted but a sublime purpose, a way to fulfill the deepest desires and most personal will of the one he loved, and if this was how he had to do it, so be it.

Of course it was not an easy journey for them together, for Lucifer was a jumble of desire to give more than Elizabeth could understand and fear of abandoning the life, however twisted, that had kept him going all this time. He would go back and forth between good and evil, between submission and wildness while she swung from frustration and anger at his behavior to shock and embarrassment at his desire to please her. If she had been able to sustain that vengeful fire in herself that had ordered him to let Azazeal take his revenge, she may have been able to control him sooner but she may have also grown into the kind of person that would have taken delight in torturing him when she discovered that he would kiss the hands that hurt him and look at her with love when she came to start the pain all over again. He couldn't have helped himself, having found a way to feel again and to serve again, he would have thought nothing of the cruelty that he had to endure, but only of her satisfaction, because bodily pain was nothing compares to the emotional pain he'd been enduring for centuries. That was how much torment he had been in. But he was lucky or perhaps blessed, because Elizabeth hated cruelty with everything in her and refused to make use of anything more severe than a whip and only because it was the only thing that got him to listen initially, though she was plagued with thoughts and images of doing much more.

She had had a dream once, after he had professed his desire to be her slave, of him kneeling and tied tightly to a post in some dark and non-descript place. She found herself approaching him with something in her hand and when she got close enough her arm moved and she saw the white hot brand reach out and barely touch his skin. He jerked away and let out a sharp yelp of distress so she approached him to calm him. She whispered to him gently and stroked his head, telling him it would be alright and asking him if he wanted to please her, as she watched the love in his eyes overtake the fear. Then still holding his head she reached around and, to her horror, applied the brand again, firmly this time, in the same place as before. He whimpered and strained in his bonds but he did not cried out or take his adoring eyes from her. When she moved back to inspect her work, she found a blazing red E burned onto his still trembling skin. Elizabeth had awoken shaken and confused but exhilarated, wondering if she wanted this or if he did and if it was literal or metaphorical. She had refused to delve too deeply into its meaning but ultimatly it turned out the be the core of what he was trying to tell her. This process maybe painful and he may fight her but if she comforts him and has patience, he will eventually become hers.

The imagery was disturbing to her but slowly she began to understand what he was communicating to her and why such a thing got his attention and fascinated him so much. Despite the fact that she had seen it as a punishment and later as some strange fetish of his, it was neither. It was simply what it was, an expression of himself in relation to her. It wasn't mere dominance that spoke to him but the ability to touch a part of her that no one else did, to act for her in the most intimate of ways, to do for her what she would not ask of anyone else. For what ever reason his acceptance of pain for her articulated this perfectly in his estimation, and since it excited her, despite her rational mind's objections, it turned him on and served as the way he showed his devotion to her until she understood him more fully. When she finally let herself hear the words that tore out of him when he surrendered everything to the force of her will expressed as pain, Dluga-Tol, Tol De, Noko Daraia, Daraia Fisisa, and accepted that they were indeed meant for her, she became much more settled into the fullness of her role. Elizabeth was then able to find other ways to achieve that particular state of intimacy between them because she was not willing to let pain be the only way he felt what he needed with her and eventually they relaxed into a relationship that worked for the both of them.

* * *

Dluga-Tol: Take everything

Tol De: Everything is yours

Noko Daraia: I am the servant of your Will

Daraia Fisisa: Your Will be done


End file.
